DISQUS

Sarah · 2 years ago

Real life observations about complimenting kids

While it is not scientifically perfect, my kids, boy/girl twins demonstrate interesting behavior that does not wholly support this research.

One child, the girl, is more advanced academically at the moment. She is also more able to interact with adults, pay attention longer, and maintain "good" behavior longer through boredom.

The other child, the boy, is more focused on others. He is very caring, he gets more pleasure from making people laugh than anything else and he is less likely to resist instructions just to test adults (when there is no audience).

I try very hard to treat them the same in many ways. Obviously they are different, but I try to identify areas where they need to learn more and try to boost their confidence there. As a parent I can't help but also tell them when they do something well.

As much as I try to treat them the same, I find that the girl, who is more academically advanced, does opt to do things she is good at more often (and is much more likely to try new things when she can do it WITH her brother and deflect the attention if she is not successful).

My son, on the other hand, is a joiner. He will try almost anything... except things he feels like he should already know how to do (like swimming). If he is not an expert, he will turn it into an opportunity to be funny while he learns. He knows there are things he is naturally good at (like geography – something they don't even teach in first grade). That doesn't stop him from wanting to learn more.

My daughter is a fantastic reader and she is great at math. Two things they do teach. I haven't noticed any slowdown in her desire to be ahead... maybe competitiveness also factors in here.

Maybe competitiveness, or even other things, are wildcards that change everything?

Frank Roche · 2 years ago

I do worry about the attenuation of risk when kids are praised for being "smart" instead of for working hard and being smart. I have this discussion in my own household all the time...my teenage boys sometimes think being the first to hand in a test is worthwhile...I explain that doing your level best, and exerting effort, is essential. A little of that Vince Lombardi speech rings in my head.